The Muslim Marriage Crisis: Causes, Effects & Solutions | Muhammed Ali

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Marriage crisis in Muslim communitiesParental responsibility and family dynamicsIslamic marriage principles and ethicsGender roles in IslamYouth maturity and self-development

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This lecture identifies and analyzes the acute marriage crisis affecting Muslim communities worldwide, examining the root causes across three groups: parents, women seeking marriage, and men seeking marriage. The speaker emphasizes that parents bear primary responsibility by failing to teach children the importance of marriage, preventing young people from marrying when they desire it, imposing excessive material demands, neglecting to actively seek suitable spouses for their children, and prioritizing cultural preferences over religion and character. The lecture addresses women's issues including unrealistic expectations fueled by social media and celebrity culture, prioritizing career and education over marriage, fear of divorce as a deterrent, negative peer influence, and abandonment of Islamic standards in pursuit of husbands. For men, the speaker highlights immaturity, lack of self-development, unrealistic expectations about women's appearance, consumption of indecent materials distorting attraction, economic excuses masking laziness, and immoral conduct treated with insufficient community accountability. Throughout, the speaker anchors the discussion in Islamic principles, citing the Prophet's teachings on marriage as protection against corruption and emphasizing that taqwa (fear of Allah) and good character should be the primary criteria for selecting a spouse. The lecture calls for collective community responsibility and action to restore marriage as a priority within Islam.

Key Points

A comprehensive Islamic lecture addressing the marriage crisis in Muslim communities, examining how parents, women, and men each contribute to the problem through materialism, unrealistic expectations, immaturity, and abandonment of Islamic principles in pursuit of spouses.

Summary

This lecture identifies and analyzes the acute marriage crisis affecting Muslim communities worldwide, examining the root causes across three groups: parents, women seeking marriage, and men seeking marriage. The speaker emphasizes that parents bear primary responsibility by failing to teach children the importance of marriage, preventing young people from marrying when they desire it, imposing excessive material demands, neglecting to actively seek suitable spouses for their children, and prioritizing cultural preferences over religion and character. The lecture addresses women's issues including unrealistic expectations fueled by social media and celebrity culture, prioritizing career and education over marriage, fear of divorce as a deterrent, negative peer influence, and abandonment of Islamic standards in pursuit of husbands. For men, the speaker highlights immaturity, lack of self-development, unrealistic expectations about women's appearance, consumption of indecent materials distorting attraction, economic excuses masking laziness, and immoral conduct treated with insufficient community accountability. Throughout, the speaker anchors the discussion in Islamic principles, citing the Prophet's teachings on marriage as protection against corruption and emphasizing that taqwa (fear of Allah) and good character should be the primary criteria for selecting a spouse. The lecture calls for collective community responsibility and action to restore marriage as a priority within Islam.

Key takeaways

Parents fail to teach children the importance of marriage and the skills needed to be desirable spouses, instead prioritizing Western education and credentials for social status (Qur'an 3:79 implied context on worldly boasting).
Young people are prevented from marrying when they desire it and are ready for it, yet the Messenger ﷺ explicitly advised young people to marry to protect themselves from fitnah; parental refusal redirects youth toward haram relationships.
Excessive material demands and wedding extravagance driven by social comparison between families create barriers to marriage for stable men and compromise the marriage foundation itself.
Fathers bear the primary responsibility to actively seek and present suitable marriage candidates for their daughters, as shown in the Qur'anic example of the man who offered his daughters to a righteous suitor.
Cultural and ethnic preferences placed above religion and character contradict Allah's wisdom in creating diverse nations and tribes; piety (taqwa) alone determines worth, not ethnicity or family line (Qur'an 49:13 implied).
Women's unrealistic expectations fueled by social media, celebrity culture, and fear of divorce—including the false concept of 'finding yourself' before marriage—delay or prevent marriage when opportunity exists.
Prioritizing career and education over marriage leads to regret in later years when finding a spouse becomes significantly more difficult; both can be balanced but marriage should be the priority.
Many Muslim men lack masculine attributes including honesty, hard work, and courage; immaturity, laziness, video game addiction, and refusal to work contradict readiness for marriage and family responsibility.
Men's consumption of indecent materials warps expectations of women and attracts them toward the wrong type of partners; men must reset their expectations to match religion and good character rather than unrealistic physical ideals.
The community applies a double standard in moral accountability: women's indecent conduct faces severe judgment while men engaging in haram relationships often escape community shame and consequences.
Negative peer influence from unmarried or divorced women—driven by envy and misery—actively discourages younger sisters from pursuing marriage and marriage, causing broader community harm.
The crisis is rooted in abandoning Islamic principles: when relationships begin outside Islamic guidelines (dating, mixing), the foundation is compromised and regret follows; halal methods and seeking righteous spouses creates lasting stability.

Full article

The Marriage Crisis in the Muslim Community

There is a serious crisis affecting the Muslim community today that deserves far more attention than it currently receives: the marriage crisis. While a general marriage crisis exists globally, it is particularly acute within Muslim communities. Many brothers and sisters reach out expressing that they are struggling to get married, whether due to mistakes they have made or simply due to circumstances beyond their control. Others have done nothing wrong yet still face barriers to marriage. The reality is that nearly everyone is struggling to marry, and it is essential to highlight these issues so the community can address them and prevent further damage and harm.

The people contributing to this crisis are threefold: the parents, the women seeking to marry, and the men seeking to marry. Each group bears responsibility for different aspects of the problem. By examining what each is doing wrong, it becomes possible to understand and work toward solutions.

The Prophet's Teaching on Marriage

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ provided clear guidance on this matter. There is a hadith in which he stated that if someone comes to you with good religion and good manners, then you should get them married. If you do not do this, there will be great corruption in the land. While some scholars debate the authenticity of this narration, its meaning is undoubtedly correct. When marriage ceases to be about someone possessing good religion and good character, and instead becomes focused on worldly matters and material concerns, corruption spreads throughout society. This is because when people do not marry, they resort to haram. Marriage, then, is not merely a personal matter but a communal safeguard.

Why Parents Are the Core Issue

The discussion begins with parents because they represent the foundation of the problem. If parents are raising their children correctly, this will influence their children positively and, by extension, resolve the majority of issues plaguing the community today. Many of the current problems in the marriage crisis are directly related to parental actions and attitudes. Understanding parents first is therefore essential to understanding the broader crisis.

Parents Failing to Teach the Importance of Marriage

The first major failure of parents is that they are not raising their children to understand the importance of marriage and family. Parents are not teaching their children the necessary skills and knowledge required to become a desirable spouse—whether male or female. Young men are not being taught to be responsible, strong, intelligent, or capable of protecting and providing. They are not being taught the correct attributes of manhood: keeping one's word, avoiding lies, and being courageous. Similarly, young women are not receiving proper education in what it means to be a good spouse and partner. Parents are neglecting to teach their children how critical marriage is within Islam and religion, and how essential it should be as a priority in their lives—particularly to protect themselves from fitna.

The consequence is clear: many brothers and sisters today lack the skills necessary for marriage. This is a massive problem. What are parents focusing on instead? They are fixating on what the West and Western society have told them to value: the piece of paper, the credential, education above all else. Why? The Qur'an describes this worldly life as being about mutual boasting and competition. Parents boast to other parents: "My son is an engineer. My daughter is a doctor." They care more about elevating themselves in the eyes of other parents than about what is truly beneficial for their children's future. This applies to both boys and girls, though it is more pronounced with girls, as will be discussed later. The fundamental error is failing to make marriage important in a child's mind as a core, fundamental aspect of life that they should actively seek, for which they should develop necessary skills, and for which parents should equip them with the knowledge and training they need.

Parents Preventing Young People from Marrying

Another serious mistake parents make is preventing their children from getting married when they are young. Many young people—whether in their mid to late teens or early twenties—reach out expressing their desire to marry. They have the inclination, they want to marry, yet their parents respond with dismissal: "You're too young. You're too young. You're too young." Many of these young people are good-hearted, mature in their thinking and speech, and ready for marriage, yet parents refuse to facilitate it. Some parents want to keep their children with them longer for their own comfort. Others are simply careless, unwilling to deal with the logistics and challenges involved, so they tell their child to come back later.

However, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ gave specific guidance on this: "O young people, whoever of you is able to get married, let him get married." Why did the Prophet address young people specifically? Because he understood that the desire for marriage is amplified at this particular age, more than at any other time in life. The Prophet then advised those who cannot marry to fast, as fasting protects them from desire. The Prophet gave this counsel to young men and women precisely because he recognized the intensity of their inclinations at this stage of life. When a parent tells their child "you're too young," they are redirecting that child toward haram. Then, later, the parent asks in shock and despair: "Why is my daughter with this random boyfriend? Why is my son dating this girl?" The answer is simple: your child wanted to marry, you failed to take this seriously, you did not put in the effort to help them marry at the appropriate time, and you were too preoccupied with your own concerns. By preventing your children from marrying when they desire it and are ready for it, you are contributing directly to this crisis. You are pushing young men and women toward haram relationships. Years pass, trauma accumulates, and the community suffers countless complications—all because parents prevented their own children from marrying. Following this, many parents then demand ridiculous sums of money as a condition for allowing or facilitating their child's marriage, further compounding the problem.

Materialistic Demands and Wedding Excess

When a man comes seeking to marry a daughter, parents often demand excessive financial requirements—bringing 100,000 or 200,000 currency units, providing a car, and orchestrating an elaborate wedding. All of these material demands complicate everything in the marriage itself. The underlying motivation is often social comparison: a cousin had the biggest wedding in the entire city, so the daughter's wedding must be similar, or the family feels they should not marry her off at all. Parents prioritize their ability to boast to other families in the community over their daughter's actual wellbeing. They will accept a husband who later does all types of wrong to the girl, as long as he provides the elaborate wedding that allows them to boost themselves socially. These are among the most serious issues preventing people from getting married.

Many men and women struggle to find spouses because of these excessive material expectations. A man who is neither poor nor rich—someone who is stable—cannot get married because he cannot fulfill ridiculous requirements around weddings, money, and extravagance that other families have set. Even if he could provide for a family and care for his children, he cannot meet these cultural financial demands. Parents need to wake up. If you are willing to sell your daughter like a piece of clothing just to boost yourselves in front of other parents, you risk having someone destroy your daughter's life later on. Parents must prioritize the character, manners, and deen (faith and practice) of the man coming to marry their daughter above everything else. That must be the first priority.

The Responsibility of Fathers to Seek Spouses for Their Daughters

Both fathers and mothers are failing to put in any real effort to find suitable spouses for their children. They do not actively seek people in the community of similar age, even though they likely know many families with children in that age range. This responsibility falls particularly on the father. Sisters come to speak in their 30s, saying they want to get married, and when asked if their father put in effort, the answer is no—he was not concerned, and so they were not concerned either. Fathers are expecting their daughters to go out and randomly find a man on the street and bring him home, asking to marry him. This places an unfair burden on the daughter.

While it is permissible in Islam for a Muslim woman to reach out indirectly if she finds the right person and tries to arrange for him to speak with her father, this is not the responsibility of the majority of sisters, nor is it their primary role. The father's responsibility is to put in the effort to find suitable matches for his daughters. The Qur'an provides an example: when a man was presented with someone worthy—a prophet of Allah with the right character and religion—he said to him, "I will give you one of my two daughters in marriage." He was presenting his daughters because that is the father's responsibility. The daughters did not come forward saying they wanted to marry this man. Instead, they told him, "Our father wants to speak with you," connecting him with their father. That is the father's duty: to actively search and present suitable candidates, not to sit idle and then later cry when his daughter ends up with an unsuitable man, sneaking around behind the scenes. That failure is the parents' fault for not putting in the work to get their children married at the right age, when the desire for marriage is present.

Cultural Preferences Over Religion and Character

Many parents place culture above religion when it comes to marriage. They will only accept a spouse from within their cousin's family, their own family, or their own ethnicity. They reject people outright based on ethnicity or religious background, saying, "This person is a revert, so I will reject him," or "This man is from Somalia or Ethiopia, so I will reject him"—regardless of whether he has the right religion and character. This is rooted in racism and cultural ignorance, and it is preventing many good marriages even when the sisters and brothers themselves agree and are willing. The parents step in and block the marriage purely for cultural reasons.

Many scholars have advised against very close marriage within the same family, which is common in many communities. Instead, they encourage looking to branch out and find the most suitable person. Yet parents insist that the spouse must be from their tribe, their ethnicity, their specific family line. However, Allah says He created us into different nations and tribes so that we could get to know one another. There is no superiority of one person over another based on color or ethnicity—it is piety (taqwa) that determines worth. This is what parents should be looking for in a spouse for their children.

Parental Ego and the Interests of the Children

Parents sometimes put their own ego ahead of the wellbeing of their children. There may be a good man and a good woman who want to marry and both agree to the marriage, with everything being in order and both having good character and religion. Yet the marriage does not happen because one parent has a personal issue with the other parent—the father has a problem with the boy's father, or the mother has a problem with the other mother. The marriage is not about the parents; it is about the children. If the children agree with each other and both have good character and religion, parents need to resolve their own issues, set aside their ego, and put the benefit of their children first.

These are the main parental issues contributing to the marriage crisis. While there are other problems to address, these issues—materialistic demands, lack of parental effort to seek spouses, cultural preferences placed above religion, and parental ego—are primarily what parents are doing to make this crisis worse. It is crucial to understand that this crisis destroys communities. When families, which are the foundation of the community and the foundation of everything else, are not being formed, the children are not being raised correctly, and the entire community suffers as a result.

Unrealistic Expectations Driven by Social Media

Many sisters in the community are influenced by social media to develop unrealistic expectations about marriage. They watch dramas, follow celebrities, and construct fantasies about what they want in a husband—wanting someone who looks like Brad Pitt, planning trips to Hawaii, or expecting a partner who fits some impossible ideal that only exists in movies. These women do not look at someone at their own level or consider someone who might be suitable for them in reality. They believe there are unlimited options available to them because of the countless men who message them on social media.

However, this perception is fundamentally flawed. The men who are messaging women on social media and showing casual interest are not men worth considering for marriage. These are men who have no intention of taking care of a woman or building a family with her; they are only seeking something temporary and inappropriate. Yet this constant attention gives women a false sense of abundance—the illusion that there are millions of men to choose from—when in reality, these are men they would never want to marry anyway. This inflated sense of options feeds their ego and reinforces unrealistic expectations, leading them to think they can marry someone like the president of a country.

Prioritizing Deen Over Material Standards

What we actually need to prioritize is not wealth, appearance, or status, but rather the religion and character of a potential spouse. A woman's priority should be to find a man who fears Allah, because if he fears Allah, he will feel Allah's presence in how he deals with her. He will look after you, take care of you, and will not do anything harmful to you because his fear of Allah and his concern for his religion give him morals and restraint. A man with taqwa—fear and reverence of Allah—is a man who will be a good husband. This should be your priority, not the unrealistic expectations fed by social media.

Education and Career Versus Marriage as Priority

Another issue that affects many sisters is the idea of putting career and education ahead of marriage. Nobody is saying that women should not get educated or should not work. However, a piece of paper—a degree or credential—is not the foundation of your life. This is an idea that has been instilled by a secular system that has made women believe education and career are the end-all and be-all of existence, and that is simply not true.

Many sisters message and express deep regret later in life. Women in their thirties and forties often reach out saying they regret not seeking marriage earlier, having focused solely on career and education instead. Now they find it extremely difficult to find a spouse and get married, because they did not make marriage a priority when they had the opportunity. If all your energy is directed toward career and education and marriage is not even in your mind, you will waste years of your life. In the end, it becomes very difficult to get married, and you will be left wishing you had approached things differently.

This does not mean education and career must be abandoned. Rather, it is about understanding priorities. Education and marriage do not have to be in opposition to each other, but you must decide what comes first. Marriage should be a priority over education; marriage should be a priority over career. These things can be balanced, but marriage should be what you actively pursue, because you will want it eventually—and it will be far more difficult to achieve later on than it is now.

The Fear of Divorce as an Obstacle

Many sisters are being told that they should focus on their career and financial independence because of the fear of divorce. This has become one of the most popular ideas being pushed into the minds of sisters, and it is preventing many of them from focusing on marriage and instead keeping them focused on career, education, or other worldly pursuits. The fear is: what if I get divorced? What will happen to me?

However, no one enters into anything with the intention of it failing. We do not refuse to drive a car because we might get in an accident. We do not refuse to fly on a plane because we could crash. We do not refuse to study for an exam because we might fail. There is risk in everything in life, in everything you do. Yet we take reasonable precautions and move forward. If you take the right precautions—if you find the right spouse, if you do what is in your capacity to be a righteous wife, and if you rely on Allah—then where is Allah in this picture?

Where is your reliance on Allah? Is Allah not there to protect you? Furthermore, this fear assumes you are alone in the world. You are not. You have a family. You have a brother; you have a father who can look after you. If something happens and you face difficulty, your family does not disappear. Your family is there to support you. But most importantly, you have allies—people who care about you and will stand by you.

Balancing Work, Marriage, and Financial Security

Again, nobody is telling sisters not to get educated or not to work. You can get educated and get married. You can be married and work and save money. You can work alongside your husband and build financial security together. If something were to happen, you would have your money—it is yours to keep, not his to take. However, this possibility of having financial security should not be the reason you say, "I will not get married because what if I get divorced?"

This "what if" opens the door for Shaitan, as the Messenger ﷺ taught. Is this perhaps a trick of Shaitan being played on our community right now? Many women in our community are falling for it, and we need to wake up and understand that marriage must be put as a priority. It is something Allah Himself speaks of in the Qur'an. Allah is the One who created spouses for you so that you might find peace and tranquility, and He placed between you mercy and love. This is our nature as both men and women. Marriage is not something to delay or avoid; it is part of our fitrah—our created nature.

The Trap of Denial and the Cost of Delay

Many people deceive themselves by saying they do not want to get married, but this is self-deception. The day will come when it is too late, and then regret sets in. At that point, the desire for marriage becomes urgent—loneliness overwhelms, and the wish to have started earlier becomes clear. This is why beginning the search for marriage earlier in life is so important.

Negative Peer Influence and Envious Friends

Many sisters find themselves surrounded by the wrong friend group—women who have experienced haram things and had bad experiences with men. Many of these women are older and unable to get married themselves. They operate from a principle that misery loves company. First, they try to keep younger sisters from getting married because it makes them feel less alone in their unmarried status. They think to themselves: if I am not getting married, then you should not be getting married either. This comes from envy. They do not want to see others succeed where they have failed, so they try to bring others down to their level.

Second, these women share all their negative stories. They recount bad experiences from their own marriages or from other women they know. They warn younger sisters: "Look what happened to me, look what happened to her—this may happen to you too." In this way, they try to make younger women hate the idea of marriage altogether. What happens is that these sisters generalize from personal experiences. If one person had a bad experience, they conclude that the same thing will happen to them. But bad experiences exist in every aspect of life. If we refused to do something simply because one person had a negative experience with it, nobody would do anything. It is very important to examine the friends around you and ask: Are they encouraging me to find happiness and get married? Or are they envious and trying to pull me down into their own unhappiness?

The False Concept of "Finding Yourself"

Another widespread idea that discourages marriage is the notion of needing to "find yourself." The thinking goes: I am lost in the kitchen, I am going to find myself somewhere else. I need to fix myself before I can marry. This is one of the strangest concepts to be so widespread in the community. The reality is that nobody is perfect. Nobody gets married with a perfect personality or a life where everything goes smoothly. Everyone, when they marry, discovers things they do not like in their spouse. Every spouse has issues—this is the reality of life.

You are not going to find yourself because you already are yourself. There is nothing to find. The idea of finding yourself before marriage is a fiction. If what you mean by finding yourself is fixing every single issue you have, that will never happen. Everybody has issues. What matters is being aware of the issues you have, working on yourself as everyone does, and being honest with your future partner about these issues. Both of you can then be upfront and on the same page, which prevents future conflict and misunderstanding.

The Myth of Being "Too Young" to Marry

Many young women are told they are too young to get married. This message comes from older women, friends, and others in the community. However, the reality is clear: if a young person is able to get married, they should get married. Many sisters do not like to hear this, but the truth must be stated. When men are looking to get married and want the best chance at finding a good spouse—someone who will make them happy and whom they have the most options to choose from—they need to look when they are younger. Finding the right person takes time, especially in this era. When men seek marriage, they look for women of childbearing age, which means younger women. When asked what they are looking for, men often say: childbearing age.

Some sisters listening to this may be older and unhappy to hear it. They may comment with offense at such a statement. But this is reality, and reality cannot be changed by our preferences. Whether we like it or not, this is how it is. A man who wants to marry desires to have children and healthy children. He wants his wife to have an easier pregnancy. It is natural that he prefers a younger wife who will have more energy to care for the children and be active in their lives. Men are looking for this.

If a sister is older and has not yet married, it is not being said that she will never marry. She will find someone, Allah willing. However, the point being made is about likelihood and ease. It is easier and more practical to look when you are younger, and the idea that you are "too young to get married" should be abandoned. As long as you are at an age where you have desires, there is potential harm (fitnah). If you do not marry, you will be exposed to all sorts of temptations and people trying to exploit you. One day you may fall into a trap. Because both men and women have desires, and when these desires are not satisfied through halal means, they risk leading to haram things.

The Opposite Extreme: Abandoning Islamic Standards

On the opposite end of this spectrum, there are women being told to date and engage in free mixing in order to find a husband. They are told to remove their hijab, show their hair, or take off the hijab entirely to attract men. They are encouraged to go to clubs, bars, and other places of haram in order to find a husband. They are told that being a righteous sister who attends the mosque and dresses modestly will not help them find a husband. This extreme view is also becoming widespread in the community.

Yes, if a woman abandons Islamic standards, she will attract more men. But she will attract the wrong men—men who do not want to marry her, men she does not want to marry, men who want to use her and move on to the next person. She will attract trauma, baggage, and everything evil. This happens because she is seeking something that Allah is not pleased with, using methods that Allah is not pleased with to achieve marriage. The result is that she ends up regretting everything she has done. There are many examples of sisters who have experienced this. One sister, for instance, was in a dating relationship before marriage and became pregnant. These are the real consequences that result from abandoning Islamic principles in the pursuit of marriage.

The Cost of Starting Wrong

When couples begin their relationships in ways that contradict Islamic principles, the foundation is compromised from the start. There was a sister who ignored warnings about marrying someone she had built a relationship with outside of Islamic guidelines. Two years into the marriage, she found herself divorced with a child, having wasted years of her life on a union that never should have proceeded in that manner. The problem is fundamental: when you build a relationship with someone in haram, they will not fear Allah with you, because the relationship itself began in the wrong way.

Feminist Tendencies and Loss of Shyness

This discussion may be uncomfortable for some, but it is necessary to address the feminist tendencies that have developed among some Muslim sisters. What do these tendencies look like? They manifest as a lack of shyness, particularly around non-mahram men. This develops when sisters become so focused on career and work, constantly competing and dealing with men in professional settings, that the natural sense of modesty disappears. They sit alone with men, go out with them, hug them, and kiss them without hesitation. All of this flows from the same source: prioritizing career, being competitive in work, and ignoring the boundaries between halal and haram in professional mixing. Over time, these behaviors become normalized, and sisters begin to reject the roles that Allah has assigned to each gender.

Gender Roles and Obedience in Islam

Allah has assigned specific roles within the family structure. Men are responsible for the family and are guardians of women; they are given this responsibility because of the duties they must fulfill. Women are to listen to the men in family matters. However, it is crucial to understand that this obedience applies only to that which is good and pleases Allah. As the Messenger Muhammad ﷺ said, there is no obedience to the creation in disobedience to the Creator. The obedience spoken of is ma'ruf—that which is good and lawful. If a husband commands something haram, a wife is not bound to obey. But within the framework of what is halal and good, obedience in the family structure creates harmony and allows it to function properly.

The Qur'an explicitly mentions this dynamic, and the Messenger ﷺ affirmed it when he said that whoever obeys her husband will enter Paradise. This word—obedience—triggers some sisters because social media has portrayed it as something negative and controlling. But the reality is different. Consider that in the workplace, sisters obey their boss without hesitation. The boss pays them money, and they follow his instructions. Yet when it comes to a husband who is financially providing for and taking care of the entire family, there is resistance. Why is the dynamic different? The answer lies in outside influences that have taught women to view obedience in marriage as oppressive, when in fact it is the structure that creates a functioning household.

Male Expectations and Unrealistic Standards

While women bear responsibility for many issues in the Muslim community, men are equally—and in many cases, significantly—contributing to the marriage crisis. Many men have unrealistic expectations that mirror the problems found among women. Men with no intelligence, no money, no ability to protect or provide, and no real achievements speak about struggling to find a wife. But the truth is they are not struggling to find a wife; they are chasing something far beyond their capacity or league. There is a teaching story of a young man who called a scholar saying he could not find a woman to marry. When the scholar offered him a widow who was ready for marriage, he refused. The scholar pointed out that he was not truly struggling to get married—he was chasing something specific that was outside his reach.

If a man genuinely wants to protect himself from fitnah and feels he has a desire that could lead him to haram, then he should get married. There are many sisters ready to marry, but instead of accepting what is available and suitable, men pursue something out of their league. Some men want a sister who is chaste and practicing, yet simultaneously they want her to look like a Western woman from movies—wearing heavy makeup and fitting a certain aesthetic ideal. This is a contradiction. You cannot have two opposites together. Men need to rewire their expectations and understand that such women do not exist in the way they imagine.

The Damage of Pornography and Unrealistic Ideals

A major factor destroying the Muslim community is the consumption of indecent materials by men. This is completely warping attraction and expectations toward the wrong type of women. In response, many women are trying to become that type of woman they see men are attracted to, and both men and women end up engaging in haram without any intention of marriage. The cycle reinforces itself. Men must rewire their brains and start seeking religion and good character in women first. They need to adjust their expectations to match their actual capacity and circumstances.

Male Immaturity as a Barrier to Marriage

There is extreme immaturity among Muslim men that is contributing significantly to marriage problems. Many Muslim men are not working on themselves or developing their character. They lack the masculine attributes of honesty, hard work, firmness, and courage. Instead of developing their intelligence and character, they spend their time playing video games constantly, wasting hours jumping around and accomplishing nothing. Then they wonder why they cannot find a wife. The answer is simple: they are still boys, not men. A woman is not going to choose someone who sits in his basement, becoming obese, playing video games all day, and has no understanding of how the world functions.

The path forward is clear for men: stop the immaturity, man up, and begin developing yourself as a person. Work on your character, build your intelligence, and improve yourself in every way. Only when a man matures and becomes someone of substance will it become easier to find a spouse. But that journey begins with self-development and taking responsibility for becoming a real man, not remaining a child playing games.

The Problem of Immaturity and Lack of Self-Development

Many young men remain dependent on their parents well into adulthood, living in their parents' homes and being cared for, yet they complain about struggling to find a spouse. The reality is that they struggle to marry because they are not working on themselves. Self-development is not optional—it is a necessity. This lack of personal growth is directly connected to laziness, particularly the unwillingness of men to work and earn halal income. They refuse to go out and work to become providers for their families, instead making excuses for their inaction.

Economic Excuses and the Reality of Earning

When men claim that the current economy makes it impossible for both spouses to work, they are lying. This is not a legitimate excuse. There is a living example of a brother, may Allah bless him and continue to provide for him, who is married with three children, living in the UK where the economy is particularly challenging. Yet he works alone to support his entire family. Allah provides for him because he puts in the effort. He does various types of work—delivery jobs and other basic employment—but he is intelligent about his spending and wealth management. He does what is within his power and relies on Allah for his risk (provision). The problem is not the economy; the problem is the lack of effort and the tendency to remain in one's comfort zone, playing video games and expecting everything to happen without action.

Learning to Be a Man Through Work

Young men have not been taught what it means to be a man. Work experience is not merely about earning money; it is a crucial part of personal development. Starting work at a young age—as happened at fourteen years old—teaches valuable lessons about the world and about manhood. Through work, you learn how people treat you, how they compete for your money, how they try to trick you, and how little they care about your wellbeing. You gain experience and wisdom about how harsh the world can be. Leaving home at a young age, around nineteen years old, is part of this necessary maturation. Young men need to start working on themselves and "manning up," and parents need to push them toward this independence and responsibility.

The excuse that one does not know how to make money is without foundation. Opportunity is everywhere, especially in this age. There are nineteen-year-old millionaires who have made their wealth by playing video games, yet older men make excuses about their inability to earn. There are intelligent young people who have found ways to generate income from a very young age. A sixteen-year-old sports editor who was intelligent about his skills—knowing how to edit videos, approaching potential employers, sending clips, and putting in real effort—was making substantial money while still a teenager. His younger brother even worked alongside him. Success comes through effort and the absence of laziness, not through sitting at home making excuses. The risk comes from Allah, but sitting at home making excuses will never solve the problem.

Moral Accountability and the Double Standard

Another critical issue is the matter of immorality among men, particularly their indecent conduct with women and their pursuit of haram relationships. Sadly, within the community, this behavior is treated with far less severity than similar conduct by women. When a woman engages in something indecent, she faces significant community judgment and shame. Yet most Muslim men who engage in these behaviors are not attacked or held accountable in the same way. Many of them do all sorts of haram things, pursuing haram relationships and going everywhere under the sun with no consequences. They do not want to chase the halal path and take responsibility. Instead, they want to spend one night with a woman and leave, with no thought of responsibility, family, children, or commitment. These men need to be shamed in the community, and the community needs to address this behavior directly, because they are a major part of the problem contributing to the marriage crisis.

Shared Responsibility and Collective Action

The lesson is clear: everybody has a role to play in this crisis. The parents, the men, and the women all bear responsibility. Everyone needs to take accountability. When you hear advice or criticism in this context, remember that nobody is attacking you specifically—rather, the message is that everyone in the community has issues and everyone needs to look at themselves. If they are contributing in any way to this crisis, they must acknowledge it and work to change it. The ultimate goal is to return to the natural, halal way of completing one's deen—getting married, being with a righteous spouse, having children, and fulfilling the command of the Messenger who said to get married and multiply. This is a blessing from Allah.

If you are listening to this and recognize that you have some of these issues, start working on yourself. Make dua to Allah—this is most important. Inshallah, Allah will grant you a righteous spouse. Inshallah, if all of us stop contributing to this crisis bit by bit, we will see fewer of these issues in our communities. If you know parents who have these issues, send them this video and ask them to watch it. If your own parents are preventing you from getting married, show them this video. If you see people around you who have these issues, share this video with them. This is how change begins—through small impacts in the community, step by step. May Allah give everyone a righteous spouse and reward us all with that which is most beneficial. Allahumma Amin. Assalamualaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Qur'anQur'an 49:13 (implied: on piety as the measure of worth, not ethnicity or lineage)

HadithHadith on marriage: 'If someone comes to you with good religion and good manners, then you should get them married. If you do not do this, there will be great corruption in the land' (authenticity debated among scholars, but meaning affirmed)Hadith: 'O young people, whoever of you is able to get married, let him get married' (addressed to young men and women specifically)Hadith on fasting: The Prophet advised those unable to marry to fast, as fasting protects from desireHadith: 'There is no obedience to the creation in disobedience to the Creator' (on the limits of spousal obedience)

Topics#Marriage crisis in Muslim communities#Parental responsibility and family dynamics#Islamic marriage principles and ethics#Gender roles in Islam#Youth maturity and self-development#Cultural versus religious values#Women's expectations and social media influence#Male immaturity and economic excuses#Community accountability and shared responsibility

Transcript

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0:00 So we have a serious crisis in the Muslim community today, and this crisis is not being talked about enough.

0:05 And that is the marriage crisis.

0:07 There's general overall marriage crisis in the world today, but especially within the Muslim community.

0:13 And I get a lot of messages from brothers and sisters alike that they're doing many things wrong, or they have done many things wrong, and they're struggling to get married.

0:20 Now, some of them haven't done anything wrong, but they're also struggling to get married.

0:24 So everyone is struggling to get married.

0:25 It's very important that we highlight these issues that we have as a community, so we can attempt to fix it, so we can attempt to stop contributing towards this crisis that is causing a lot of damage and harm in our community.

0:38 And the people who are causing this crisis are the parents, the women that are trying to get married and the men that are trying to get married.

0:44 So I'm going to highlight the things that each of them is doing wrong.

0:48 The prophet there is a hadith where he says.

0:56 If someone comes to you and you accept his religion, he has a good religion.

1:00 He has good manners.

1:01 Then get him married.

1:02 If you do not do this, then there will be great corruption in the land.

1:07 Now, there are some scholars that weaken this narration and there is a debate over the authenticity of it.

1:12 However, its meaning is for sure correct.

1:15 If marriage stops becoming about someone has good religion and good characteristics and worthy of marriage, and starts becoming about other worldly matters and worldly things, then corruption will spread.

1:28 Because if people do not get married, then they are going to resort to haram.

1:32 So what are the issues?

1:33 What are we doing to contribute towards this crisis that we have?

1:37 So the first thing I'm going to start with is I'm going to start talking about the parents.

1:40 Why am I going to start talking about the parents?

1:42 Because the parents are the core.

1:44 If the parents are doing things correctly, then that will influence their children.

1:48 And by extension, that will solve the majority of the issues that we're having today.

1:52 However, a lot of these issues are related to the parents.

1:55 So I'm going to start with the parents.

1:56 Then I'm going to talk about the women, and then I'm going to talk about the men.

1:59 so the first thing I'm going to talk about is the idea of raising your kids.

2:02 The parents are not raising their kids, teaching them the importance of marriage and family.

2:07 They're not teaching them the necessary skills and the necessary things that they would need.

2:13 So they can be a desirable spouse, man or woman.

2:16 The parents are not teaching the men to be responsible, to be strong, to be intelligent, to be able to protect and provide, to have the correct attributes of men.

2:26 Just to keep your word, not to be a liar, to be courageous.

2:29 We're not teaching our kids that, and we're not teaching them.

2:31 The importance of marriage as an idea is like, how important is it in Islam or in religion or in your life to have one of your priorities to get married as soon as you can, so you can protect yourself from the fitna?

2:45 The parents are not doing this.

2:46 They're not doing this job of teaching the importance and the necessary skills.

2:50 A lot of the sisters today, and a lot of the brothers today, do not have the skills.

2:54 This is a massive problem that we have.

2:56 And what are the parents focusing on?

2:57 They're focusing on what the FA and the West have told them.

3:01 This piece of paper, everything is about education.

3:03 Why?

3:04 Because, as Allah says in the Quran, in.

3:11 This life, this dunya is about mutual boosting.

3:13 My son is an engineer.

3:14 My daughter is a doctor.

3:16 My son is.

3:16 This.

3:16 My daughter is that parents care about boosting themselves to other parents rather than caring about what is the benefit and what is important for the future of the children.

3:25 And this applies both to men and women.

3:27 However, it's more important in the case of the girls, and I'm going to talk about that later towards the end of the video.

3:33 However, it applies to both this idea of making it important in the mind of your child, the idea of marriage, and that this is a very core fundamental thing in their life that they should seek, they should have the necessary skills for, and that you give them the requirement and teach them what is necessary and needed for them to have these skills so they can get married.

3:57 Now, another very important thing that the parents are doing, which is horrendous, which is the idea of stopping their kids from getting married when they're young.

4:05 I get many messages from sisters and brothers alike.

4:08 They want to get married.

4:09 They're young, they can be in their mid to late teens, or they can be in their early 20s.

4:13 Whatever their ages, they want to get married.

4:16 They have a desire, they want to get married.

4:18 And the parents are just like, you're too young, you're young, you're young, you're too young.

4:21 And it's good sisters and good brothers, and they seem to be willing to get married.

4:26 They're mature enough to get married from how they speak.

4:28 However, the parents are like, oh no, no, you're young.

4:30 Some parents are like, they just want to keep their kids with them for longer.

4:33 Some parents are like this, some other parents are just careless.

4:35 I don't want to deal with all of these issues.

4:37 I'm just going to say you're young.

4:38 Come back later.

4:40 And the prophet said he said Yamaha, al-Shabab or young people, whoever of you is able to get married, let him get married.

4:46 Why did they say all young people specifically?

4:48 And then the prophet, he said, who cannot they let him fast because it's going to be protecting him.

4:53 From what?

4:54 From the desire.

4:55 The prophet has given this advice to the young men and women, because the prophet knows that the desire is there in this specific age, the desire is more amplified than anything else.

5:06 So when you go tell your kid, oh, you're too young.

5:08 Just go.

5:09 You're leading your child to go to Haram.

5:12 And later you come and say, why is my daughter with this random boyfriend?

5:15 Or my son is dating this girl?

5:17 Why?

5:17 Why?

5:18 Because the kid wants to get married.

5:20 You have not talked seriously with your kid.

5:23 You have not put the effort to get them married when they're young.

5:26 All what you're thinking about is like.

5:28 I don't want to deal with this right now.

5:30 Couldn't care less.

5:31 Focus on your own self as if your children are not important.

5:34 So you are contributing towards this crisis that we have because you are preventing a lot of these men and women from getting married in a age when they are desiring the marriage, and then they end up getting attached in haram relationships, and years and years go by, and then they don't get married and they start having trauma.

5:52 And we have a million issues in the community.

5:53 Just because you are preventing your own kids from getting married, Then we have the idea of asking ridiculous amounts of money, right?

6:02 When the man is coming for your daughter, like, okay, go bring me 100, 200 K, bring me a car.

6:09 Complicating everything in the marriage.

6:11 I want this wedding to be like this and that and all of it is coming from what?

6:14 What we said about boosting this mutual boosting.

6:17 Oh.

6:17 Your cousin, she had the biggest wedding in the entire city.

6:21 So you need to have a similar wedding or you shouldn't get married for them.

6:24 They don't care.

6:24 Like if the husband could later on do something, do all types of things that are wrong to the girl, but as long as he does the stupid wedding and they can boost to their other stupid people in the community, then they're like happy.

6:36 Of course, I'm not going to address every issue out there.

6:37 I'm going to just address what I think are the most important serious ones.

6:41 However, this is one of the most serious issues which prevents people from getting married.

6:45 I know many men, and I'm talking about now.

6:47 I'm talking about my experience with a lot of men and women that are struggling to get married, and what they say is the issues that they're facing because they go.

6:55 A man was trying to get married.

6:57 He's not poor and he's not rich.

7:00 He's okay.

7:01 However, look, you got in some communities in that community.

7:03 This community with gold and silver.

7:05 And like they're asking him for this.

7:06 They're asking.

7:06 The brother is, like, struggling to get married.

7:09 He can't get married.

7:10 He can't take care of the family.

7:11 He can look after his kids.

7:12 However, he cannot fulfill these ridiculous requirements to do weddings and to do with money and to do with all of these things that this person did.

7:21 And you're not doing.

7:23 So these parents need to wake up.

7:25 You want to sell your daughter as a piece of clothing.

7:27 You want someone that destroys the life of your daughter later on.

7:31 Just because you are able to boost for another parent.

7:34 So you got to wake up as parents.

7:35 You got to put the priority, the mannerisms, the dean of the individual that is coming to marry your daughter before everything else.

7:42 That is the first thing that you need to put now parents as well.

7:47 Both father and the mother are not putting effort as well to find spouses for their kids, not putting any effort, trying to see in the community seek.

7:54 If there is people that they know in the similar age, and they probably know many families that have people in similar ages, however, they're not putting effort.

8:01 And I'm going to this is general, but it's specifically about the fathers as well, because it's the father's job to put effort to find someone for his daughter.

8:09 And then the sisters, they come later and they speak to me and they're like in their 30s or whatever, they're going to get married and say, does your father put in effort?

8:15 No, he didn't really.

8:16 He wasn't concerned.

8:18 I wasn't concerned, so he wasn't concerned.

8:20 So the fathers are not even putting any effort.

8:22 They're expecting their daughter to go and like, find some random man in the street and come like, okay, here, I want to marry this person.

8:29 Well, I thought we were going to pretend that we're now we're going to deal like them or what it is your responsibility as a father to put effort.

8:37 Of course, it is permissible for a Muslim woman if she finds the right person, that somehow she reaches out in an indirect way and tries to get him to speak to her father.

8:47 I'm not saying this is haram, so long as it's within Islamic bounds and it's done correctly.

8:53 However, that is not what majority of sisters are going to do, number one.

8:58 And number two, that is not their responsibility in the first place, but it is mainly the responsibility of the father to put the effort and try and find for his daughters.

9:08 We know in the Quran when he was presented, he told him, I will give you one of my two daughters in marriage.

9:16 Why is he presenting his daughters?

9:17 He sees a man who is worthy, a prophet of God.

9:21 He's worthy and he has the right character, right religion.

9:24 So he is presenting his daughters because that is his responsibility as a father.

9:29 The daughters didn't come and say, oh, we want to marry you.

9:31 They came.

9:32 They said, our father, he wants something from you.

9:34 He wants to have a word with you.

9:36 That's it.

9:37 They connected him with Haram and then he spoke to them.

9:41 So that is your responsibility as a father.

9:43 Don't just sit down and wait like this.

9:45 And then tomorrow you're going to come and cry.

9:47 When your daughter is going with this guy, with Max, with the Jonathan, with whatever behind the bush.

9:52 It's your fault.

9:53 You're not putting any effort.

9:54 The desire is there in the kids and you're not doing any work as parents to get your children married in the right age.

10:00 When they have that desire, when they are looking for marriage.

10:04 Now also, you have the idea of putting the culture, the parents and many communities putting the culture over the religion.

10:11 Oh, we're only going to marry from our cousin's family or this family or this ethnicity.

10:16 They would reject people.

10:17 Oh, this person is a revert.

10:18 I'm going to reject him.

10:19 Oh, this man is from Somalia or Ethiopia or whatever.

10:21 I'm going to reject him.

10:23 It doesn't matter if he has the right religion, the right character, whatever.

10:26 No, it's about a lot of racism and a lot of cultural ignorance that are being applied, and it is preventing a lot of good marriages, even though the sisters agree and the brothers agree.

10:37 But the parents are the ones who are coming and preventing that marriage for all of these cultural reasons.

10:42 Many of the scholars have advised against close, very close marriage, which you have in many communities.

10:48 Rather than branching out and looking for who is the most suitable.

10:52 They just want to own.

10:53 It has to be from our tribe.

10:55 No.

10:55 Allah says he made us into different nations and tribes.

10:57 We can get to know each other, he said there is no superiority over a black or a black or white.

11:02 It's about your piety.

11:03 This is what you need to look for.

11:04 Also, the parents putting their ego over the benefits of the kids.

11:07 Sometimes there is a good man and a good woman and they want to get married and they're both agreeing.

11:11 They're both okay, everything is good.

11:13 But this parent has an issue with the parent of the boy, or this mother has an issue with the other mother.

11:17 The marriage is not about you, it's about them.

11:20 If they're agreeing with each other, they both have good character and religion.

11:22 Fix your issues, put your step on your ego and put the benefit of your children first.

11:28 So these are, I would say, the main issues that I'm seeing.

11:31 There's of course, other issues, but these are some of the main issues that are to do with the parents, specifically what we are doing as parents to contribute more and more towards this crisis.

11:41 I want you to understand this crisis.

11:43 It destroys communities because when we don't have families, which is the foundation of the community, the foundation of everything, then you don't have the kids being raised correctly.

11:52 You have everybody doing haram, you have children born out of wedlock.

11:57 You have people caring about the dunya.

11:58 We have nothing.

11:59 We have no community.

12:00 We don't have a family.

12:01 We don't have a community.

12:02 So we're talking about something serious that we are contributing.

12:05 And every day we're leading into more and more problems in our community.

12:08 We need to fix this.

12:09 We need to work on this now.

12:11 I'm going to move on to the women in the community.

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